"It"

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You want "it" but it seems so out of reach. You might not know exactly what it's supposed to look like but you feel it in your soul, so you have a pretty good idea. For more years than you can count, you have desired it, but alas it never seems to manifest. Still, you keep hoping for it.

Then, one day, out of nowhere something happens to give you hope that "it" just might be something obtainable for you. Days, weeks and months go by and you feel as if you might be even closer to having it...then all of a sudden, "it" appears in a glimmer from a completely different source. Awestruck by what might be taking place, you try to re-evaluate and look at things from both angles. Is "it" really a possibility for you after all?

Time moves on and then you're awakened that what you thought originally was "it" might not be exactly what you thought, it's just something that's merely close to it. Yet, stagnate circumstances obstruct the way to reaching it. It seems every time the light darkens to obtaining it, the sparkle shines from the secondary source. It's a sparkle that looks closer to what you imagined it would look like even though you didn't really have a clear picture of it before.

Just as you begin to let go and start thinking that it might in fact become something more, the sparkle disappears. You look back and the stagnate circumstances still remain as before but it looks as if there might be a little movement in the water. The movement looks like it might actually be trying to clear itself out to make headway. Wait....what if it does move closer to you.....is it really what you thought you wanted all along or was it just a contentment in settling since it was merely a close image? Is this what you were meant to do, just settle? Or do you let it go and move on?

Your thoughts keep going back to the secondary source but you can never seem to get a clear enough view of the full picture. Each time you think you have things focused, the vision blurs. Do you continue to try and get a clearer look at it, or do you just settle for the uncertainty? Or do you let it go and move on?

Do you give up on one or the other or do you continue to sway in limbo in hopes of a better picture? Or do you just give in and give up with the realization that "it" truly is beyond your reach? Do you settle in the idea that "it" is merely a dream? Disappointment rears it's ugly head so you fight back the feelings and lock them away. You don't want anyone to know that you let your walls down enough to feel the hurt of hopeful desire. You are always the strong one, the one others look upon as if you are made of stone. They never expect you to feel....really "feel" and if they knew, they wouldn't be able to accept it because it doesn't fit their image of you. But inside you are a vulnerable little girl who feels....who hurts....who cries herself to sleep at night.